Too High rn for a Clever Title

I have just speed-smoked an indica joint, so I can’t promise how much sense this shit will make. But my emotions are busting out in the worst possible way right now, so I need to channel them somewhere.

Like 2 weeks ago I deleted Discord from my phone, partially because I was going through a whole “no one cares if I’m even around” moment but at the same time passively realizing it was the biggest deterrent for my focus at work. The biggest drawback has been feeling perpetually out of the loop, because I can only check in at a couple times during the day, but honestly it doesn’t seem like anyone really cares much whether I do or don’t anyway. But that’s not (entirely?) the point here, I digress.

This afternoon I hopped off at the end of my lunch, as usual. I had plans to go to the gym with a friend because I NEEDED to TALK about some shit that popped up. Traffic, an inane phone call to my mom, a quick trip to get my medic alert bracelet fixed (have to wait a couple days, so here’s hoping no one needs to call medics for me for anything 🫠), and then into the gym. My buddy was running late so changed, posted on socials, the usual. When they showed up we did the usual- talking about life shit, commiserating over our workout, etc. By the time we finished it was well after 8 pm.

Shit on Discord blew up in the time I was away. I came home to feel blindsided. Caught up as much as I could and sat with it.

Look, I will admit I am sometimes emotionally backwards. I’m great in a crisis. Hit me with touchy emotional shit? This Taurus turns into a fucking turtle and becomes emotionally stunted. I’m shit at that stuff.

As I’m sitting there, trying to figure out how I was going to try to deal with this (as I said, my automatic instinct is to just fucking hide because I’m shit with emotions), my brain starts to take the reins and go on a (not) super fun spiral.

This catalystic (is that a word?) event didn’t even involve me. It had started while I was working (or zonked out for almost a whole day from being sick, I can’t remember how far back it goes), and when I had popped in to catch up stuff was far past the point I could even jump on. I decided to pass on trying to join in because stuff had already progressed far enough that it seemed hard to try to insert myself (and awkward as fuck because: see reasons above). I already felt left out, but it’s whatever- what else is new, right? Well, whatever happened blew up. People bounced, somehow I was lumped into what had happened, and I was legit sitting there when I got home and was sitting down to eat my scrambled eggs at 845 PM like that fucking meme gif where the room is on fire and the dude just walked in with a pizza.

The I hop to another social platform and see that someone ELSE had left a group chat over there. My head started to spin in that terrible “my lack of certain brain chemicals are about to take the wheel” kind of way.

It felt like a punch in the gut. Like when I came home from work one day to be told I was being kicked out.

I kind of lost my shit.

Sobbing in the shower while lamenting I am too old to be spiraling like this, I came out and messaged my other friend group that I missed them. Yeah, I see one of two of them from time to time but we haven’t all seen each other in ages and I really fucking miss them. Only for my one friend who’s been having weird medical shit that no one can figure out to drop into chat (after stating they’re probably going to need scary major surgery) “I hope I see y’all again.”

WELP. [cue emotional meltdown in 3… 2… ]

I didn’t have friends for a long time. When I left college and then blew up my marriage, I lost pretty much anyone who had been considered a friend. And listen, I get it. I was in the throes of a depressive meltdown then that had been years in the making. I was a shit person. I acknowledge it, and I’m not at all proud of it. Pretty fucking ashamed, tbh.

I think it was like, 2-3 years ago when I actually started to make friends again. You know, at least a decade or more after being pretty much alone (aside from one failed friendship that fucked me up pretty bad because she was an absolute shit person but that’s a story for another time). My close (locally) friend group splintered this year. The great part? I was partially in the middle of that split. My relationship with my sister- who was the person I’ve been closest to for the last 7 years or so? Yeah, that blew up and went to shit- oh look, because of me again.

So the friend group already being tense for whatever reasons? It’s hard for me NOT to think it wasn’t me being the tiny fucking spark of destruction yet again. Third time’s the charm, right?

But this. I cried like when my ex tossed me out of the house. This one hurts. Hurts like that ex-friend who fucked with my head back in 2019.

I’m reaching the point where I’m like, this shit hurts too much. Letting people in. Caring about people. Trusting people. Like fuck this man. I’m sitting here completely alone trying very hard not to cry (unsuccessfully). I’m tired.

Does this rant have a point? It did when I started but has devolved into shameful woe-is-me bullshit. Blech.

All I know rn is I’ve never felt so fucking alone. Also stoned.

Unfortunately not tired, however. Gonna be a long day tomorrow.

At least there’s alcohol waiting at the end, even if I have to put on a mask for it.

All right this is making less sense and getting worse. I’m gonna quite while I”m ahead. No one’s gonna read this anyway.