Mercury Retrograde and General Melancholia
It’s been a weird, heavy bunch of days… and then Mercury Retrograde needs to ride in (a few days before a lunar eclipse) and make everything weirder and heavier.
Thanks, I hate it.
I’ve been an odd headspace the last week- somewhere between giddiness and constantly second guessing everything I say. And that was BEFORE retrograde crashed in. But of course, our good friend Mercury decides to take all that to the next level when I’m already so much in my head about things. Thanks, guy. /s
I sat down and took a look at my “year ahead” spread that I pulled on New Year’s. February was The Lovers Reversed which looking back, yes now makes perfect sense and as per usual didn’t manifest in the way I thought it would. In the immediate moments it actually felt… good? Promising? Now though…
One of the other things that came up in my reading for the year was being “of service” this year. I originally interpreted it as with my magic- so I was doing justice spells for the greater community as well as folks within my personal circle, passing along charms and oils to those who I felt needed them most for nothing in return, that sort of thing. Now, as February wraps and retrograde takes hold I’m realizing maybe that concept is manifesting differently than I expected- as usual (at least we’re consistent over here).
Remember the feelings I was talking about regarding my February card? I had someone from my past come poking back in, and the way it seemed to be unraveling felt… weirdly promising to me. It aligned with some things I’d asked for for the year, it’s a situation that I’ve long had unresolved feelings about… but now it looks like it might remain that way on my side. That person needed someone to reassure them, to encourage them and of course I did that to the best of my ability. The whole thing had a big vibe shift the other day and I immediately felt “I don’t think I’ll be hearing from them again.” I’d actually resolved myself to that. I was surprised to hear from them again the following day only for the conversation to go exactly the way I’d anticipated. I validated their feelings and decisions and… that was it.
It’s a touchy situation, and I’m not looking to complicate anything for anyone when my own life is a messy disaster in many aspects. But that hope I felt… crushed. I came to the sad realization that maybe my purpose to fill other people’s cups while mine remains empty. It’s not the first time I’ve had that occurrence of thought, but this time it hit hard. I don’t mind helping people- I find it fulfilling and sometimes rewarding, especially when it’s people I care about. Just once though. Just once it would be nice if the universe could send me just a tiny bit of what I’m asking for, if for nothing else to keep my own cup flowing into others’.
My card for March is Temperance. Patience. Balance. I’d once used that card as a signifier for myself in a reading and said “I want to be able to fill my own cup.” While this is still true, I wasn’t asking for that lesson. Especially not now. But it looks like I’m not going to have much choice in this matter.
In the meantime, I’ll keep doing what I’m doing- encouraging, reassuring, supporting those I care about, but (as per usual) my own expectations in return will get quietly tabled. I’ve often said having no expectations is better than having them and being disappointed, and while I realize this is a terrible philosophy to have, it still holds true. I’m starting to doubt if I will ever truly get what I need to “fill my cup” as it were, and I’m goIng to be honest that thought and realization is pretty soul crushing.
I’m planning to retreat a bit more into my magical practice this upcoming week for the full moon eclipse in Virgo, if for no other reason than maybe it’ll give at least the illusion of some solid ground. That hope, promise, and fleeting expectation will all get placed quietly on the shelf while I tend to those around me, as I always do.
It’s all I can do.