Return of the Blahg
10/29/25
It’s been a long time.
As of late I’ve needed somewhere to be an outlet for some of the irritating little things in my brain that have weaseled their way in and won’t let go. I’ve also missed blogging a bit, so figured may as well use this space I pay for every month for something moderately useful. Has it really been over 20 years since I brain dumped like this on the internet? Time flies, and while so much has changed, some things just never seem to.
I’m not going to waste space or “breath” recapping the last 20 years. Gained people in my life. Lost people in my life. Made choices that I’m now circling around to regretting, but am ultimately stuck with for the immediate future. Trying to find and keep my spark. You know the drill.
As we drift into the darkest part of the year and the Pagan calendar winds down, I suppose my shadow work that I’ve been neglecting a bit has decided to make itself evident. Don’t love that, but I guess sometimes we can’t always choose when and how healing decides to take place, even though this time around it hurts a bit like a bitch.
2025 for me has been a lot about choosing myself, setting boundaries, and trying to break cycles. I’ve been successful in some ways, and less than in others. Sometimes “choosing yourself” isn’t a clear cut as you think it is. Sometimes it comes on like a tidal wave, and other times like the subtle shifting of the tides. Right now I’d say I’m in the tidal wave side.
It’s a difficult thing to try not to set expectations because you know that you will inevitably wind up disappointed. Every once in a blue moon (okay, maybe slightly more frequently than that, but you get what I mean) you’ll get surprised, but this is all made all the more complicated and unfortunately painful when those expectations involve people. It’s a hard thing to realize (well, more be slapped in the face by) the reality of what or how little you can mean to some people. It hurts more when it’s people you love and support.
I wish I could say this is a new revelation for me, but sadly it’s not. It’s a cycle and pattern that has repeated an infinite number of times in my life by now. Remember how I said 2025 is about breaking cycles for me? Well, I guess we’re going to round out the year with the biggest beast of them all.
I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I’m a shitty friend. I recognize, I admit it, and it’s something I am actively trying to work on, but that also means as a result I don’t get what I need because sometimes I am just incapable of giving what others do. It’s a painful dichotomy. About 6 years ago, I’d like to say I’d achieved the balance- being supportive, encouraging, and sometimes sharing the raw truth that didn’t want to be heard (in a way that wasn’t mean, I’d like to point out). I felt like for the first time in a very, very long time I’d found a true friend who I connected with on a level I hadn’t in a very long time.
It’s just a shame that that person was somewhat of a narcissist and wound up breaking my heart when they decided my presence in their life didn’t serve them anymore. They say losing a friend hurts more than a romantic break-up and holy shit is that true. The worst part is nothing was ever said to me- I was just discarded like useless trash and never given a second look. It took me a very long time to get over that, and sometimes that pain still ripples through when I think about it. It probably always will, it’s just dulling a little more as time goes by.
So when patterns start to feel like they’re re-emerging- mind you, different people, different personalities, different situations- it definitely triggered something. PTSD? Who knows, I don’t know if I’d even give it that much weight, but it’s definitely probably some flavor of trauma. Unfortunately, my gut reaction is to overcompensate- to desperately search for approval, validation, something to get them to acknowledge me and not that I’m being discarded again.
Last night I recognized this. So now I’m trying to find a way to balance, to not put so much of my weight and worth on other people. Not going to lie, this shit hurts. And it’s lonely as fuck. But I know if I can get through it, if I can temper myself in such a way I’ll be better for it in the end.
But fuck man. This shit sucks.
Don’t ignore your shadow work, I guess is the roundabout point here; otherwise it will find you.
‘Til next time…